In any small Tuscan bar, on a quiet evening you might hear the following that are simply untranslatable: Madonna puttana and porco Dio

When I search online how to accurately describe what a “bestemmia” is in English, this is what the internet says “An Italian bestemmia refers to blasphemies or profanities. It’s when someone speaks disrespectfully or irreverently about religious or sacred things”. The closest thing I can get to is the most creative way to say “God Damn it”. The Italians have turned it into an art form, or rather when I say Italians I mean people from the regions of Tuscany and Veneto. They really know how to say the most offensive thing about God or the Virgin Mary. Some are on the edge of being a curse word but innocent enough that when children or teachers say it, it gets a point across, one example is “Madonnina” actual translation is “little madonna” but it means “little Virgin Mary”. Or they just say “Madonna” after anything that you may be recounting that is an absurd or horrendous story. I went to the beauty parlor for the first time with my friend back in 2013, I spoke very little Italian at the time, but from what I gathered my friend and the hairdresser were having an intense conversation, she kept gasping and responding every 5 minutes with “Madonna” She let out about 30 of them. When I got home my husband asked how it went and I told him that I never realized our friend Irene was super religious. I told him that she kept saying “Madonna” he cracked a smile and told me that it was the opposite of what I thought.

I asked my dear friend Simone about these “bestemmie”. He is a sci-fi author and a private tutor. He grew up in Italy, for him they were just additional curse words. I wanted answers, I wanted to get the root of the curse words. In America, I was known for having a pirate mouth. In Italy the equivalent for “fuck” is “cazzo” but the actual translation is “dick”. When I was fresh off the boat the Italians would get a kick anytime I would say “fucking cazzo”. Italians will use it like this: “che cazzo vuoi” meaning “What the fuck do you want” I wasn’t satisfied with this because they were using “dick” for the word “fuck”, it just wasn’t sitting well with me.. I wanted an actual word and translation for the word “fuck”. Even “fuck you” wasn’t satisfying in Italian, it’s “vafanculo” translating to “go do it in the ass”. It didn’t scratch that itch and I was getting frustrated. I always considered when an Italian said “porco dio” that it meant “god damn it” but its used as “holy shit” That didn’t agree with me either because the actual translation is “pig god”. “Porco” translates to “pig”; if it’s “porca” it means “slut”. They also say “porca miseria” often, which translates to “slut misery” (it’s a way of cursing poverty) but they use it as another way of saying “holy shit” but it doesn’t have the same effect as “holy shit”, because there is no actual bad word! Nuts right!? 

I took up saying “porca vacca” meaning “holy cow” because after my few lessons in bestemmie from Simone I got waaaay too comfortable saying “porco Dio” I once dropped one on a Sunday evening at a pizza joint in Castiglion Fibocchi. Sam was horrified and in a hushed but firm tone through clenched teeth said: “YOU CAN NOT SAY THAT IN PUBLIC!” He told Simone about what happened and set the scene for him, that we were surrounded by older village people, we were the youngest people there by 30 years easily, with a child in a highchair. ON A SUNDAY. Simone burst out laughing. I still didn’t understand why I couldn’t say it.

I have had to stop the cursing in English and Italian altogether, my small children are at the age where they are repeating everything, except of course for “please and thank you”. My oldest son started trying out the word “fuck”, at first I didn’t say anything because he was trying to get a reaction out of me and my husband. I also didn’t want to give the word any power. My husband said “well we can’t get mad because he used it in the correct situation”. Another time, I started the shower and lightly nudged him in the shower chamber and he jerked back and said “No ma! It’s freezing ass cold!”. Again, he wasn’t wrong, but I told him that this was on the list of words that we don’t say especially around old people because it will hurt their feelings. Adrian, my son, also informs me if his little brother “has a shit in his diaper”. I was impressed one day when he told me that “it smells like Roy shat himself” I was so proud that he used the past tense form of shit! The only downer is that he said it in front of his grandmother. Womp womp! Parenting fail! I think he is understanding the value of these English curse words. We have started using substitute words instead of curse words. At first, I thought cursing in Italian would be better but then I remembered that both of my children go to a private Italian Catholic school. If they were to casually dropped a bestemmie at school, I would definitely receive a phone call and some holy water might be involved.

Another one of my Italian curse word go-tos is “troia di merda” It is supposed to mean “bitch” but the actual translation is “shitty slut”. Another common one you’ll hear on the streets of Arezzo is “porca troia” meaning “dirty slut” but you can say it if you accidentally step in dog shit, it doesn’t have to be directed to another human. If Italians are really really upset they will place “God” or “Madonna” in front of the curse words to express the severity of their upsetness. For example “Madonna puttana troia di merda” meaning “whore Mary dirty slut”. The level of upsetness would be at a 10. 

The one bestemmia that has had a lasting effect on me is a young lady who said “porca madonna vagone di riso, dieci volte puttanna ogni cicco” actual translation in English to “slutty virgin Mary, a wagon of rice, 10 times a whore for each grain of rice”. It comes out so descriptively in Italian, the woman is painting a picture of the virgin Mary, and there being a large wagon full of rice, she is expressing that the virgin Mary is a whore 10 times worth per each singular grain of rice contained in the whole wagon. Her goal is to offend Mary to the highest level and her expression certainly captures that. In America I can only think of it as a “your momma” joke. But the Italians are pretty intense about it. Besides “porco Dio” (pig god) Italians also say “Dio cane” or “cane Dio” referring to God as a dog. I have tried to substitute those for “Dio bono” (good god) or “Dio santo” (holy god).

In any small Tuscan bar, on a quiet evening you might hear the following that are simply untranslatable:

“Madonna sur ciuco” (the virgin on the donkey)

“Madonna scimmia” (the monkey virgin)

“Madonna senza scarpe” (the shoeless virgin)

“Dio cannibale” (God the cannibal)

“Dio bestia” (God the beast)

“Accidenti alla madonna assassina del dio cornuto in croce!” (damn that assassin of the virgin of the horned god on the cross!)

“To witness old men letting fly these customized bestemmie from their gut is a staggering height of the Tuscan experience, some people double over with laughter and some are highly offended. It’s the best way to see who falls into these categories- Diocane.”- Samuel McGehee