I was asked by a wiser fellow mom of boys, “What makes you happy?” I’ve been pondering this all day…

I really don’t know anymore, my day is consumed by keeping two small humans and a dog alive. And it all starts before I can take my morning piss, I am rushing around, looking for a bottle and a small saucepan to warm up my baby’s milk, because my little one is screaming as if someone is ripping off his limbs one at a time while screaming “mamma mamma babba babba!!!!”. It startles me every single morning and gives me mild anxiety. Then I find myself changing his diaper, letting the dog out, taking out the trash, helping my other sleepy child out of his pull-up, and feeding him breakfast before I can even go to the toilet and relieve my aching bladder. Forget about a coffee at this point. It’s strictly waiting on my children’s hands and feet. When people ask “Why I don’t just wake up an hour earlier, so I can have some time for myself” I want to just punch them in the face and be sarcastic and say “holy fuck! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?!?!?!?!?!” Well asshole, after I get the kids down for the night, and organize all of the things they will need for school and daycare, and clean up after dinner, I have exactly three hours to attempt to have a deep sleep before I’m rudely awakened by my one-year-old toddler’s blood-curdling screams for a diaper change. By the time I get settled again, it takes me a moment to fall back asleep, only to do it all over again at 3:30 in the morning, at this point I just want to cry, but my eyes ache too much, and I look at the clock and think okay I can probably get three more hours of sleep. I am well over one year and 18 months deprived of sleep, don’t even mention the newborn or infant phase, I was running on pure zombie or adrenaline mode. I think at this point the only thing that would bring me pure joy is to be placed in an induced coma for about a month or so. So no Deborah, I can’t wake up an hour early because my body and brain are running on empty as it is!!!! Another common remark is “Well why doesn’t your husband help?”. Well, lately he is working above and beyond to keep the doors open on what used to be the “family business”. It requires him to work 13-16 hour days, and anytime there is a “break” without fail he is the one sent out to do “recruiting” on the other side of the planet. Not to mention all the extra work he does while he is home, it is never-ending. I get it, it’s part of life. We want to live here in Italy and provide a good life for our children. I like living in a place where I don’t have to worry that some whack job is going to shoot up the elementary school I’m sending my children to. 

 Motherhood burnout for married mothers is rarely talked about. My divorced mother friends I talk to seem to have way more time on their hands, and honestly seem way happier. Probably because the law makes sure of that, by splitting parental responsibility down the middle 50/50. When you are married and both working, the majority of the parenting lands on the mother, and no law is looking out for you to have a break. When the school calls to let you know you have a sick kid, that lands on the mom 99% of the time. It will put my schedule dead last. I am at the mercy of everyone else’s schedule in my family. And if you have multiple children with one sick child, it will be a miracle if the other children don’t get afflicted by whatever patient zero brought home, so there goes your work week out the window. I haven’t even brought up laundry, house work, grocery shopping, pediatrician appointments, school projects and being able to shower, alone.

Friends??? Ha ha ha, those are nonexistent, your friends now are other parents while you are attending one of the millionth birthday parties that occur during the school year. I even find friends avoiding us because we have children, this makes me sad more than pissed off. I am still a human being, even though now I’m a full-time child butler, part-time worker, and part-time student. Another common thing people will say to me is “Well you chose to have them!” this one irks me to no end. “No motherfucker, I chose to have one child, I was meant to be a mother of a singular child, my second child was a complete surprise!” I swear to god, I was going through a serious case of postpartum depression, I mean a very bad case, and a friend, who I think was trying to be helpful (I think?) said “Well why don’t you give your second child up for adoption” I was totally speechless and completely astounded. Well here’s a clue, if you know anything about me you’ll know I’m not a quitter, that I’m a fighter, and also that I’m not a stone-cold bitch. 

These moments in the middle of the night right before I fall back to sleep, I often wonder if I am doing everything in my power to give them the best possible life. Do I get frustrated or overstimulated that I can’t enjoy just being in the moment? Am I too focused on the messes I am constantly, and I can’t stress this one enough, constantly cleaning. Do they sense my frustration? Have I become a “grumpy” mom and not the “fun” mom? Does my annoyance show that I can never wear anything nice because their dirty little hands always find a way to my freshly clean clothes, or that I can’t wear jewelry without sustaining a serious injury. I know some veteran moms in Florence who have teens now, and they all assure me that THIS is the hardest phase, but that it will get easier. It feels like surviving a war every day. I dread dawn, some days I don’t know how I am going to get through the day. So to avoid incredibly ignorant people with their bullshit opinions and questions, when they ask how it’s going, I just say “Oh it’s great everything is just fine!” I do seem to love my little freeloaders more with each day, I must search for laughter so that I won’t cave to the dark grips of PPD.

I guess what I am trying to say is, to all the mothers out there doing the best they can with what they have, I see you! And hats off to this challenge we face daily, where it feels like a high-speed train has gone off the rails and is on fire. You are beautiful! Although your body may not feel the same or function like it once used to, you are a superhuman! You do it all and never are allowed to take a day off, even when you are sick, your shift never ends. 

Happy International Women’s Day, (posting today was a total coincidence) we are the ones with the possibility to be the givers of life…